This week my sweet and ever patient mother will celebrate another trip around the sun and I thought this space would be the perfect place to celebrate her. The point has been well made by my brothers that I am a “mama’s boy” but as her favorite son (zing!) I wanted to share some of the wisdom and practical advice but most of all love that the great one has bequeathed through the years.  She will be mortified by some of the following quotes which will be attributed to her but I swear on a case of Cheerwine that they are true.

“The last time I wore them, I put them back where they belonged.”  

This little gem of parenting advice usually popped out when I couldn’t find my shoes as a child.  They might be in the backyard, under my bed, or in the creek but I could rarely find them. As my wife will verify my inability to find almost anything persists to this day and she gives me as much grief about it as my mother.  Because I’m spoiled, the next thing that Mom would do is find my shoes which were normally where I had taken them off.

“You aren’t leaving the house in that.”  

As a youngster I showed the same aptitude as most of my peers for fashion sense (which is practically none) so it isn’t any wonder that the first job Mom ever found for me was working in a men’s clothing store.  But it wasn’t always about fashion; often it was about the reflection our choices made on our family. Mom hated holey jeans and the fact that denim paid for every bite of food that I ate until I was 18 I never owned a single pair.  But by far the best story was about how Mom worried that my Bahama Mama T-shirt was showing a little too much side-boob. Her solution was of course a liberal application of acrylic paint which was retouched after every washing.

“I’m sorry I ruined your childhood.”

This is a fairly recent addition to the Mom lexicon and it normally comes out after I relate a story about how my mom painted my T-shirt in 8th grade so that it wouldn’t show too much of an island girl’s tit.

“BRIAN CHRISTOPHER!”

First and middle name means that you are in trouble and I bet she just said it out loud when she read the word “tit” in the sentence above.  She probably just said it again.

“I’m disappointed in you.”

Normally this one showed up around report card time. As has been noted I’m spoiled and didn’t get many spankings as a child but I did hear this one often enough to remember the feeling that it created in my gut.  Mom wasn’t packing my bags for a guilt trip but instead was reminding me that she had high expectations and that it was my responsibility to meet them. As bad as “I’m disappointed in you” felt it was nothing compared with “I’m so proud of you.” She said that a lot and sometimes even when I deserved it.

“Nothing good happens after 11:00” or the alternative “Anything you can do after 11:00 you can do before 11:00.”

Curfew was a big deal and I missed it once or twice.  When I was in high school I assumed it was because my parents wanted me to be as boring as they were but now that I’m older and I’ve heard a few stories I’m thinking it was because they didn’t want me making the same mistakes they did.  My favorite story however wasn’t about missing curfew but instead about a time when I came in and was totally honest about what I had been up to including brand names and quantity. This flustered her because she expected me to lie but when she composed herself she dropped the most Mom quote of all time.  “I wish you had enough respect for me to lie to me.” Absolute gold.

“Remember who you are.”

When my brothers and I left the house we heard this phrase more often than not.  I won’t speak for them but in my opinion we frequently displayed a piss poor example of showing what a fine job our parents did raising us but it appears we may be late bloomers because I think now we’re doing alright.  Our kids don’t seem nearly as dumb as we were. Regardless, we were taught better and the expectation was that we would show it.

“Love, Mama”

Every note, birthday card, or letter I’ve ever gotten from Mom was signed the same way.  “Love, Mama” is a truth as consistent as gravity and sunrise and I have never for one second on this planet doubted that it was true.  Knowing that it was a constant allowed me the room to become the person that I am and most of what is good about me is due to that woman and most of what’s wrong she tried her best to fix.  Only God in heaven loves me more than my Mama but I’m sure when she gets there they will have one hell of an argument about that.

Happy birthday Mama. We will never be able to give you a gift as great as the gift you are to us but I do hope that you know how much we all love you.