I’ve written before about how much of a mama’s boy I am and I’ve gone on at length about how blessed I’ve been with the mother God gave me.  I’ve also mentioned my stepmom Debbie and how awesome she is and the pivotal role she played in softening my Dad and raising an amazing son in my younger brother Craig.  These women, who have helped make me the person I am, were someone else’s choice to enter my life but the one time I had a hand in the “mom decision” department I will say, humbly, that I hit a grand slam.  You see something that unmarried people might not realize is that when you select a spouse you are also choosing to be a part of their family and I thank God that when I found Heather I got to join an incredible crew and that the engine of that group was none other than my wonderful mother in law Jean.  During my recent meditative moments I recounted some of her sayings and actions and I wanted to share their impact.

The Beginning

The first time I got to meet my future in-laws, (they had no idea but boy did I have big plans!) they lived in a small town in Alabama where my FIL was Commandant of Cadets at Marion Military Institute. Not realizing family dynamics or the force of nature that is an Army Wife, I had mistakenly prepared to impress him when I was hit by Hurricane Jean.  She was the consummate southern hostess but I began to realize my gameplan was ill informed and so most of the time I was a bit off balance.  During supper one night she offered me the plate of fixings for our burgers and urged me to help myself.  “And eat all of the tomatoes that you want.  Jerry doesn’t like tomatoes”.  There wasn’t a kernel of truth to that statement but she didn’t have enough tomatoes so he would just have to suffer.  We laughed about it later and since he eats and enjoys practically everything it made me realize how far she would go to make me comfortable.  Until…

Once Heather and I got engaged she came to N.C. for a visit and to do some wedding planning and I stopped in one evening for dinner.  We conversed about topics I don’t specifically recall like movies and music when she hit me with this one.  “Besides my daughter, you haven’t shown much taste.”  Now you may be thinking that sure sounded snarky(Jean word) but that’s because you focussed on the last part of the sentence and not the first.  You see what I think she already sensed, that anyone who has spent more than five minutes with me over the last three decades also knows, is that I was(and still am) completely smitten and that I would do anything to take care of her daughter.  I wasn’t much on paper; underemployed, undereducated, and searching for my way in this world but Jean realized that my love was so strong that it would change my life and she was right.

During the early years of our marriage Heather would report, often with frustration, how her mother had taken my side in a decision and Jean was full of advice and support in getting me on course.  Blessedly, they moved closer and I then got an object lesson in how to care for an aging parent as her mother, Grandmother Wade, joined them in Spartanburg.  I had always heard people speak negatively about their in-laws and I was thankful that mine were nothing like what those folks had to deal with.  But another change was coming; one that would allow Jean to become what I believe was her favorite version of herself.  Our first child was about to be born and Jean transformed into Mimi.  

Becoming Mimi

The most likely scenario for conflict with your in-laws is how you choose to raise your children but here again I was blessed because most of the time we were in complete agreement but when we weren’t it was because I was being too hard on them and not too soft.  Being too soft on your kids is almost sinful but there is no such thing as being too soft on your grandkids.  But to her credit, Mimi offered advice without judgment and never chose sabotage over support.  She would say things to my kids like “It’s not Let’s Make a Deal” but somehow still find a way to spoil them.  There wasn’t a single trip to their house where we all didn’t find a surprise on our bed and she always seemed to know everyone’s clothes and shoe size and color preference.  When she saw our pic during Covid lockdown and Palmer working diligently with the ironing board as her desk no one was shocked when Amazon delivered two portable tables two days later.  Once my nephew was born and our brood was complete she began to embrace her role as matriarch with relish but even we had no idea the extent to which she truly enjoyed it. 

It wasn’t until the visitation at her funeral that we all began to understand how much pleasure she took in our lives and accomplishments and how sharing that pride with her friends and acquaintances was almost a compulsion.  People that we had never met knew us.  Not about us, they actually knew us because evidently Mimi never stopped talking about her family to anyone she met.  I felt myself surrounded by her love as dozens of people spoke to my children about their school and sports accomplishments, my nephew’s rock climbing exploits, Tabitha’s store or Jonathon’s new job.  It went on for more than an hour and it is a testament to how much people loved her that the subject of “us” never got old.  

In December the family gathered in Charleston for a memorial service in the columbarium at the Citadel and after the chaplain gave a homily and we all had a chance to share our thoughts and favorite memories, Poppy spoke last and he opened with something that has stuck with me and I think about almost daily.  He meant all of us when he said, “In her eyes, you could do no wrong.” And that was her summed up perfectly.  The unwavering love that she felt for us has carried us through the year that she has been with the Lord and even though it still hurts I know she is doing her favorite thing right now.  Watching all of us and sharing it with anyone who will listen and when I get to heaven I will not be shocked at all that everyone there will already know what I’ve been up to.